Coming from LA, earthquakes aren't something I'm really that scared of or a stranger to. I've felt a few, the worst being the first. Still, as I sat across from a student and began to slowly feel disoriented, it took me a couple seconds to realize why. I did my signature move of putting my palms on the desk or table in front of me, and stole a glance out of the window to the right. I noticed a group of people outside, standing in the middle of the open-air parking lot, phones out, making a spectacle (which in and of itself is a spectacle in Japan). Then I realized we were moving.
"Earthquake! Earthquake!" was all that would come out of my mouth. I looked at my student, who was mirroring my stance and repeating, "Jishin! Jishin!". The shaking was very slow and side to side, something I wasn't familiar with at all. And it wasn't stopping. After a minute I started to worry. After two I felt nauseous.
A few days later, a student told me that this slow side to side movement is typical to feel in a place far from a horrible earthquake. He said he knew right away some place had just had just been hit really hard and immediately felt sad for them. He was a survivor of the great Hanshin earthquake in 1995.
An aftershock came about 30 minutes later, and was so light I wasn't sure if it was just me being disoriented. At this point, we didn't know the extent of the damage, or even imagine that we had felt something stemming from over 400 miles away. To put it into perspective, it would be like Los Angeles feeling an earthquake that happened somewhere just north of San Francisco. We all were just sort of asking each other "Did you feel it?" "Are you ok?" "Where were you?".
By the time I iPhone Googled everything on my break, I was met with videos of the tsunami engulfing cars, houses, people- whole cities and towns. The small screen hid much of the detail, and I wasn't even sure I was watching the right things. The best word I can find for this whole thing is: surreal.
This is the first video I saw, sans Voiceover.
The last half of Friday and all day Saturday were spent talking about the earthquake in classes. Over and over and over. At this point, we still didn't know how bad it was, how many people died, how many were missing, or about the nuclear things. Over the next few days, more information came out, each google produced something more disturbing than the last. It was literally a disaster movie come to life, but the images were more heartbreaking because they were real. In some ways, it was hard to believe this was happening so close to where I lived and yet, save some grim faces, it was life as usual here in Nagoya. Something seemed wrong. It still does. It was so normal that I went out and had a blast all of Sunday, until the wee hours of Monday morning. I spent the next day reading the news and feeling guilty.
All the classes the following week revolved around the crisis. Everyday 6-7 hours a day, all I did was talk about the earthquake, the tsunami, the death toll, the nuclear reactors, and radiation. The same horrible conversations over and over. Then, I would go home and scour the news. My life was taken over. After a few days, I tried to ask different questions- questions about the environmental effect of the tsunami and radiation effects on the ecology of the ocean and on foods. And I silently wondered why no one (not even the news) had been talking about how this tragedy had effected pets or local wildlife and livestock. On my breaks and after work, I just checked the news over and over. I couldn't tell who or what to believe about the nuclear crisis that now overshadowed the destroyed towns. The media sensationalizes things to sell stories, to get more clicks, to keep people on the page, but the Japanese government has a history of downplaying things and not revealing adequate information. Most of the public knows nothing about nuclear power and I found myself Googling phrases and word combinations (ie, "effects of long exposed low levels of radiation", "is nagoya safe japan nuclear crisis", "how fast does radiation spread") I never dreamed I would be Googling for anything more than a school paper, let alone because it was something that directly applied to me!
I kept telling myself that if "x" happened, I would get out of Japan. Then "x" would happen, and I'd replace its value with a new scenario, and then that would happen. Tuesday morning, one of the reactors had caught on fire and that night I told one of my bosses I was thinking about leaving for a bit to see what happened with the reactors. There might not have been a radiation threat in Nagoya, but there was still a risk as far as I was concerned, and it wasn't worth it to me. I got home, and as I searched for flights, the room started shaking. It wasn't even a terribly bad earthquake, but I was on edge and I started to tear up. I found an earthquake website and learned that it was from Shizuoka, a place about 60 miles from Nagoya that also has a nuclear plant. I also saw, for the first time, how many aftershocks had been hitting the people on the east coast of Honshu. These poor people were being hit with earthquakes between a magnitude of 4 and 6+ every ten minutes! I couldn't even imagine of how terrifying that must be and I felt selfish for wanting to leave my intact apartment and refrigerator of food.
About 10 minutes later, another small shake was felt and after a suggestion from my friend I contemplated sleeping on my couch for the night. My bed is reachable only by ladder, and if another earthquake hit while I was sleeping it could possibly leave me wounded and stranded. Again, I couldn't believe I was even in a position to be considering these things. I made a list for an emergency bag and mentally wished I hadn't just thrown out those empty plastic bottles of water.
It was about this time I realized that I would be screwed if the long anticipated "Big One" hit Nagoya while I was here, or if radiation found its way to this southwest prefecture. I don't really know anyone here and everyone I know is either married or in a serious relationship. They've all got people to calm them down or help them through or to do whatever the other person needs. I also realized how much I don't speak Japanese and so what the hell would I do if something did go down?
I talked myself into sleeping in the bednook, rationalizing that if I slept on the couch I was basically telling an earthquake to come. For this same reason, I couldn't work up the nerve to pack an emergency bag. I woke up around what I think was 5am to what felt like violent shaking. I meant it had to be pretty hard to wake me up out of a deep sleep. I remember wanting to grab my phone to see what time it was while simultaneously thinking that I should text my friend about it and that if it was the "Big One" I was going to die because I was too tired to even lift my hand let alone climb down the ladder. Obviously, I survived and it was only about a 5.4.
On Wednesday night, I decided I had to get out. I was all over the shop at this point after all the Googling, news, class conversations and concern from friends and family. I immediately felt better after booking a ticket.
Still as I boarded my flight to Thailand on Friday morning, I couldn't help feel like I was abandoning Japan, and all the people that were homeless, lost, injured or scared out of their wits from being told to stay indoors to avoid possible radiation. And as I stepped onto the streets of Bangkok, Japan seemed years away and like a place I would never go back to. And it felt good to be separated from it, to be at a safe distance. This distance gave me a different perspective on the news I was reading, and the feeling of immediate risk/threat. All of my anxiety about being trapped in Japan was replaced with anxiety about coming back too soon and emotion for all the people still there in the affected areas. I found myself in a shaky emotional state.
The news was so up and down. Every time I check it, it would change it's tune. It's good, its bad, its better, its worse! I realized that 5 days wouldn't be enough time for anyone to know anything, in fact, it could take weeks, months. I couldn't just follow the news and be taken on a roller coaster ride of uncertainty for weeks or months.
Watching the news also gave me a chance to see what was happening in other parts of the world (ie, Libya) because I was watching the actual news, not just doing a Google search. My life wasn't so Japanese disaster-centric and that was a good thing- for me.
So, now I am back in Japan. I check the news once or twice a day, but I don't pay much attention to the small ups and downs. I'm still at a huge crossroads. The problem isn't going away. Besides an ongoing nuclear threat, other challenges are to be faced by the whole country. I haven't really enjoyed my time here at all, but I'm not ready to leave. I know people think I am crazy for being here right now, and others think it'd be crazy if I left. I'm looking into other options, trying to make the best of this horrible situation.
All I know is I have to make a decision soon because this stress is wearing me out. I can't even imagine what the poor people in the north have been dealing with.
* For the record, the Japanese people, while they may not publicly show emotion, I feel they have shown what a fantastic people they are in this time of peril. Reposted from my facebook, please read this blog that showcases the exemplary attitudes and behaviors of the Japanese.
http://voicesfromjapan.blogspot.com/
